How many of us women have heard these words? Maybe they’ve come from a friend, sister, mentor, husband, or even from ourselves as we stand critically judging our appearances in the mirror. For me, this trend of second guessing myself has become a lifelong habit that I can’t seem to break and until now, have never really realized it to be the problem that it is.
There’s a lot of self revelation going on in my head and my heart lately. Some of it good. Some of it heartbreaking. So far life as a mother and wife has been pretty well, pretty. Until recently that is. Its been a rough time if I’m being completely honest.
A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch with my husband having a very deep conversation which is something we do occasionally when there’s an issue one of us needs to get out or something we both feel needs to be addressed so that we can keep the atmosphere of our marriage healthy and loving. Yes, I know that the last paragraph was disgustingly cliche, but bear with me. So we were sitting there talking when all of a sudden, this memory from my childhood comes hurtling out of the back recesses of my mind and smacks right into me knocking all of the prettiness out of my happy little world. Just like that.
I’m not going to delve into what the memory is because to be honest, I haven’t even begun to process and deal with it the way I should. Which is probably why I have been feeling so rough lately. This memory has caused me to question a lot of things in my life I’d rather not address and it has even caused me to at times, question my self worth. But amazingly, as per his character, God has been showing me things and growing me in spite of all of these unkempt emotions of mine.
I’m beginning to learn that He often works like that. As one of my great friends would say, He peels open our hearts like an onion. Layer by layer until its all exposed and raw and we have nothing left to do but allow him to work on those exposed hearts and begin the process of healing our souls.
But what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Because lets face it, this healing stuff is no fun sometimes. It is messy and gritty and reveals to us things about ourselves we would rather not face. How do we keep these things from affecting every waking moment of our days until the healing process is complete? I don’t know about you but my emotions tend to be written all over my face and I often wonder if everyone else around me can see the mess I am trying to hide inside. Which, as you may guess, sends me into a downward spiral of self doubt and fear and causes me to want to isolate myself from others.
Isolation however, is not an option when you have to be a wife and mother every day. Especially if you’re trying your level best to be good at these things. Husbands and babies don’t seem to handle it well when mom is hiding her head under the covers refusing to come out and face the world. They expect us to take care of them, be there for them when they need us, feed them, do laundry, clean up etc, etc. We can’t manage all of this if down in our very centers we are facing a storm of self doubt so large we fear we will drown.
So we need to do the only thing we can. We need to grab hold of the life preserver that is Jesus and cling to him as we ride out the waves of this storm. When we are tempted to throw in the towel because we just can’t take one more burned dinner, or throw up soaked shirt, or gut wrenching moment of hurt we need to reach out to Him and allow Him to be the source of our strength.
Once again I realize this is so much easier said than done and more times than not I am guilty of wanting to call him a nasty name rather than call out for help, but he is the one who has called us to these roles we fill. You can bet that if we lay our needs before him and allow him to do the work he has set to motion in our hearts that we will begin to feel better little by little. He will equip us with what we need to face those dark days, burned dinners, thousands upon thousands of dirty diapers, the countless and moments of self doubt in front of our bathroom mirrors.
Knowing that God has my back is the only permanent remedy I’ve found for the chronic case of self doubt that has up till now ruled over my emotions. Yes, occasionally I fall back into the woe is me I can’t do anything right pattern, but I always know God is there with his hand reaching me out to pull me through. He can and will do the same for you if you only ask. He is after all the ultimate source of confidence.
So stop second guessing yourself and start trusting God! He knows what he’s doing, and he has placed you where you are for a reason.
See you next time mamas!